ALL HAIL BUTT FUMBLE.
Austin Owen’s unprecedented fourth EFL title may have been the most unlikely in its 17-year history. Until the first round of the playoffs, Austin was grasping at anything to avoid landing the John Porta trophy. Now, here we stand three weeks later, honoring him with the Fauxbardi XVII trophy.
And, as fate would have it, it’s also because of Butt Fumble’s (and ThrowUpThe X [R.D. Gallant]’s) late season surge that Turn down for Watt (Joshuwa Shelton) earned the John Porta trophy. It’s not a shameful last-place finish for Josh, though. In fact, it represents the first time in league’s history that the last place team had at least 5 wins. ThrowUpThe X, Sweet Carolina, and Turn down for Watt would all finish with 5 wins, but the former two had the tiebreakers via higher Points For.
Remember when I harped on parity earlier this year? As it turns out, Season 17 was the season of parity. In a season where any team could win and any team could lose on any given week, we saw a 6-win champion and a 5-win last-place team.
I find that fitting.
The final four looked to be an exciting matchup between the league’s most storied managers: Austin (3 titles), Sy (2 titles), Ian (2 titles), and Tim (1 title). In reality, none of the games were close, and the teams finished in that exact order.
Austin saved his best for last, scoring 149 in the final week of the regular season to lock in a playoff spot and avoid the John Porta trophy. Then saw 109-, 145- and 132-point outings in the quarterfinal, semifinal and final, respectively. Austin had only five other games cracking 100 points during the season and hadn’t had a single one since Week 9.
Runner-up, Pewter Pirates (yours truly), led the league in scoring during the regular season, scored 139+ through the first two rounds, and then no-showed in the final, suffering their second-worst outing of the entire year.
#1 seed, Ruthlessberger (Ian Svendsen), used up the entirety of their magic in a round 1 romp over Sweet Carolina (Michael Schultz). Their 180 points was the largest scoring output of the season by any team. In the semifinal, Ruthlessberger misplaced 100 points and scored just 80 in a loss to eventual-champion Butt Fumble. Still, Ruthlessberger was able to fend off Jets Jets Jets (Tim Cook) to take home the bronze in the 3rd place game.
Middle seeds Stevie Kicks (Stevie Collins), Nick’s Fury (Nick Gosney) and Golden Boy (Kyler Stock) all lost in the first round of the playoffs, with each team scoring between 97 and 104 points. Each team would then go on to score significantly more points the following week while duking it out for 5th place. If only those performances had come a week earlier…
And with that…
A LOOK AT YOUR REGULAR SEASON MVPs
Notable:
Pewter Pirates had a top 5 player in five of six categories in spite of losing 3 of their top 7 draft picks (Malik Nabers, Jayden Daniels & Tucker Kraft) to season ending injuries, largely because three of the five were undrafted waiver wire pickups
Remember when Ruthlessberger drafted TEs back-to-back in the 3rd and 4th rounds? It might’ve paid off. The second TE of the pair, Trey McBride, led all TEs in scoring by a wide margin - actually outscoring WR #5.
Stevie Kicks saw something in Drake Maye that none of the rest of us did. Maye was the 14th QB taken (a reminder that there are only 10 starting positions in the league) and ended up as QB #2 over the course of the season.
ThrowUpThe X only had one category with a top 5 player, but luckily it was QB #1 Josh Allen, who played a large part in ThrowUpThe X avoiding the John Porta trophy late in the season.
HINDSIGHT IS 20/20: DRAFT EDITION
Notable Gems
All of the Undrafteds. Eight (yes, eight) of the 30 top players listed above were undrafted. That means more than a quarter of the best players in fantasy this year were fair-game-for-anyone pickups on the waiver wire. No wonder there was so much parity this year.
Non-star QBs. Caleb Williams, Bo Nix and Jared Goff all were significantly better fantasy options this season than Lamar, Burrow, Herbert, Hurts and any other fantasy-darling-QBs not named Josh Allen.
Crowded-backfield RB2s. Oddly enough, D’Andre Swift, Rico Dowdle, Jaylen Warren, Zach Charbonnet, and RJ Harvey were great RB2 or FLEX options this season in spite of each sharing their backfield with another RB1 or RB2.
Chris Olave, drafted 81st overall, finished WR #6 overall for Golden Boy - even on a terrible Saints team.
George Pickens, drafted 49th overall (mostly because of CeeDee Lamb’s injury), finished WR #4 overall for Pewter Pirates.
Notable Wiffs
Almost all QBs. Injuries decimated the position’s top performers from 2024, with Lamar, Baker, Darnold, Daniels, Burrow finishing outside the top 10 and Hurts landing at just #9.
Another down year in TE Land. Big names and early draft picks such as Brock Bowers, George Kittle, Mark Andrews finished #8, #11, and #18.
Defenses. Very few defenses were worth keeping around for more than a week at a time this year. Pre-season favorites, PHI, LAC, BAL, SF finished #7, #14, #19, and #26, respectively.
ThrowUpThe X’s Cowboys fandom. Historically, R.D. has anywhere from 3-6 current or former Cowboys players on his roster. This year was the perfect year for that strategy, with Dak, Pickens, and Brandon Aubrey all landing in the top 5 at their respective positions. Unfortunately, in a year where R.D. had less Cowboys players than ever on his roster, he chose the worst one to keep: the Dallas defense was #31 on the season - only better than the N.Y. Jets (and not by much).
FINAL PLAYOFF BRACKET
FINAL SIGN OFF
Well, this is it. Both Fauxbardi XVII and the John Porta trophy are on trucks headed to Austin and Josh.
Hopefully, you all enjoyed this wildly unpredictable season as much as I did. Did I want to scrape my face against a brick wall for most of it? Of course. But fantasy football is a drug, and I’d be happy to see us all back next season for our next hit.
A quick note on next season: inflation is real. To keep up with trophy costs, league dues will be $15 next season. In other words, I hope participating in this league is worth the equivalent of that Chipotle-bowl-add-guac-plus-tax you were planning to get next week.
To that end: A special thank you to you all. I appreciate your engagement, setting your lineups, hitting the waivers, and making this the closest season #1 through #10 that we’ve ever had.
Better luck in next year, fellas. Season 18 looms large.
-Commish